WE ARE CHAMPIONS.....
Somewhere around December 2016 I made a decision to pickup and light up a cigarette. I don't even remember the reason I made that decision, I think it may have been a social thing and I just gave in to the "old scene". Either way, the first time, truly was just for the event, whatever it was, the very next day I woke up feeling like "that was really no big deal, why did I do that or ever do it for that matter" and I went right back to being a non-smoker.
That is where I am certain the non-smoker in me lost the battle! in my subconscious mind I told myself that I had the ability to be a 'social' smoker.
Since that first 'surrender' to the smoker in me, I was under a spell. I would have a cigarette here or there, in a social setting. The big "surrender" was the end of December when I was having a lot of anxiety about some things that were happening in our family; our daughter was getting married in days, my husband had a car accident the beginning of December and then my son also had a car accident in a vehicle registered in our name the day before we were to travel for the wedding. It was a time of tremendous stress and anxiety for me. I have never handled my anxieties very well, and when I was a full time smoker, the thing that 'seemed' to help me with that was smoking. So what did I stupidly do.... I went right for the smokes.
When we returned from the wedding I promised myself, this will be it, as soon as this pack is gone, I am done. In fact I hadn't even been purchasing them on my own, I was just sharing with my husband. I was determined, I would make it a few days and then I would give in again. I was caught in the cycle AGAIN.
This cycle is so obvious to a recovering non smoker... we recognize the pattern right away and we fight it, but we never seem strong enough to really KICK IT'S ASS. Before I was ready to admit it, it was a problem AGAIN, I was stopping for a pack of smokes and hiding them in my car. By the end of March, I was having a cigarette on the way to work and sometimes 2 on the way home.
All the while, the common sense part of me and the non-smoker part of me kept saying, "you know better", "why are you doing this?", "your an idiot", .... the negative self talk, while partially true because of the poor choice I am making, was also working at tearing me down. Messing with my head and making me feel defeated.
The one thing I can say is that although it became a problem again, it was not near as bad as before, where as a pack would last me maybe one day last year, now it was lasting me all week.
Even during the writing of this blog post I am realizing how destructive the cycle of all this is. It becomes so obvious when you shine the light of truth on these types of struggles.
So .... having said all of that. I am back on the wagon again, making that commitment to myself to be a non-smoker AGAIN. Rebuilding my self-esteem AGAIN.
It is never easy to make a change and we WILL most definitely have moments of weakness. Sometimes we KICK ASS and move on feeling like a champion. Other times we will have that moment of weakness and we will succumb, at first feeling a moment of relief and then always a feeling of disappointment in ourselves.
Just remember the one who recognizes weakness, recognizes we are not perfect and recognizes that as long as we are moving forward and learning something new about life and about ourselves, that is the TRUE CHAMPION.