I am a very independent, stubborn individual and to be quite honest, I am also TERRIFIED of failure. I have often taken on things in my life in a sort of secret manner until I know they are working or I am feeling more confident about the potential success of a choice I have made.
I spend hours, days, weeks, months making decisions but once I am ready to go, I go full force ahead.
I argued with myself for years, I fed myself the lie that this is all just part of getting older. Feeling old, looking old, getting heavier, aches and pains. I fed myself another lie, learn to be happy with yourself - before I get slammed for that statement let me explain.
Learn to be happy with yourself - love yourself or don't expect others to love you.
The problem with the way my mind twisted that was this....
- I am fat- there is not much you can do about it, this is the way God made you learn to love it and embrace all of yourself
- I have been diagnosed with Diabetes - this is my family history, aren't you lucky you are the recipient of generations family disease, accept it.
- I have high blood pressure - family history, deal with it
- I have psoriasis - again, family history, deal with it
- I don't like to exercise - never did, I was not the kid in school who participated in sports, I tried that once or twice and I never made the cut - no biggie it is just not my thing. I have my own talents those fitness crazed people don't - embrace it
- I am not smart enough - I struggled through school, I worked hard. I was not one of those kids that retaining knowledge came easy to - accept it
- I will never be good enough - I try and try and try but it seems I just will never make the cut. - oh well, what else can I do but try harder - I really must be messed up
- I don't get excited - truth is, I don't get excited because I don't like to be disappointed. I get myself all excited about something and then I have been let down so many times that I have learned if I don't get my hopes up- my hopes cannot be let down.
Here is what goes on in my head and how I fight with myself.
Complete terror that someone MAY think...
- Videos of me exercising - look at the fat girl, she calls that exercise, she's doing a wall pushup that is cheating, really!
- Photos of my weigh-loss progress - omg, I cannot believe she posted that, look at her gut does she really think others want to see her. Does she really think she is making progress? Geez- cover up!
- Comments about my weigh-loss journey - I am so sick of hearing about her eating habits, her exercising, her going for a walk - I've had it, I don't even want to see her comments anymore- BLOCK HER
gotten to where I want to be?
I post because I am pushing myself to love who I am, to be strong and to break the negative thoughts that are CONSTANTLY feeding themselves into my head and are TEARING ME APART from the inside out.
I post because although it is vulnerable it is a safe place where if someone is rude enough to comment what I fear the most, I can deal with it in the privacy of my own head and I don't have to cry in front of you for making me worst fears come true.