I am learning that this journey requires support in ways that are difficult for me to admit.
I am a very independent, stubborn individual and to be quite honest, I am also TERRIFIED of failure. I have often taken on things in my life in a sort of secret manner until I know they are working or I am feeling more confident about the potential success of a choice I have made.
I spend hours, days, weeks, months making decisions but once I am ready to go, I go full force ahead.
I am a very independent, stubborn individual and to be quite honest, I am also TERRIFIED of failure. I have often taken on things in my life in a sort of secret manner until I know they are working or I am feeling more confident about the potential success of a choice I have made.
I spend hours, days, weeks, months making decisions but once I am ready to go, I go full force ahead.
The decision to become healthier is no different. It was not like I woke up one day and thought, "hey, today is the day, I am going for it" and yet it kind of was. (if that makes any sense)
I argued with myself for years, I fed myself the lie that this is all just part of getting older. Feeling old, looking old, getting heavier, aches and pains. I fed myself another lie, learn to be happy with yourself - before I get slammed for that statement let me explain.
Learn to be happy with yourself - love yourself or don't expect others to love you.
I argued with myself for years, I fed myself the lie that this is all just part of getting older. Feeling old, looking old, getting heavier, aches and pains. I fed myself another lie, learn to be happy with yourself - before I get slammed for that statement let me explain.
Learn to be happy with yourself - love yourself or don't expect others to love you.
The problem with the way my mind twisted that was this....
- I am fat- there is not much you can do about it, this is the way God made you learn to love it and embrace all of yourself
- I have been diagnosed with Diabetes - this is my family history, aren't you lucky you are the recipient of generations family disease, accept it.
- I have high blood pressure - family history, deal with it
- I have psoriasis - again, family history, deal with it
- I don't like to exercise - never did, I was not the kid in school who participated in sports, I tried that once or twice and I never made the cut - no biggie it is just not my thing. I have my own talents those fitness crazed people don't - embrace it
- I am not smart enough - I struggled through school, I worked hard. I was not one of those kids that retaining knowledge came easy to - accept it
- I will never be good enough - I try and try and try but it seems I just will never make the cut. - oh well, what else can I do but try harder - I really must be messed up
- I don't get excited - truth is, I don't get excited because I don't like to be disappointed. I get myself all excited about something and then I have been let down so many times that I have learned if I don't get my hopes up- my hopes cannot be let down.
It has taken me years of breaking these self talk habits and the truth is there are times I fall right back into it. It is engraved into my being and I FIGHT HARD to catch myself when those thoughts come into my mind.
Here is what goes on in my head and how I fight with myself.
Here is what goes on in my head and how I fight with myself.
Complete terror that someone MAY think...
- Videos of me exercising - look at the fat girl, she calls that exercise, she's doing a wall pushup that is cheating, really!
- Photos of my weigh-loss progress - omg, I cannot believe she posted that, look at her gut does she really think others want to see her. Does she really think she is making progress? Geez- cover up!
- Comments about my weigh-loss journey - I am so sick of hearing about her eating habits, her exercising, her going for a walk - I've had it, I don't even want to see her comments anymore- BLOCK HER
Why do I post photos, videos etc when I have not yet
gotten to where I want to be?
gotten to where I want to be?
I post these things to hold me accountable, I post these things to challenge myself, I post these things to build my confidence, I post these things because I am terrified of what others may think and I want to get to a point where I don't care what you think, I want to make myself better.
I post because I am pushing myself to love who I am, to be strong and to break the negative thoughts that are CONSTANTLY feeding themselves into my head and are TEARING ME APART from the inside out.
I post because although it is vulnerable it is a safe place where if someone is rude enough to comment what I fear the most, I can deal with it in the privacy of my own head and I don't have to cry in front of you for making me worst fears come true.
I post because I am pushing myself to love who I am, to be strong and to break the negative thoughts that are CONSTANTLY feeding themselves into my head and are TEARING ME APART from the inside out.
I post because although it is vulnerable it is a safe place where if someone is rude enough to comment what I fear the most, I can deal with it in the privacy of my own head and I don't have to cry in front of you for making me worst fears come true.
So, Please...
The next time you see one of my posts about my journey or you see someone else's post about their journey, realize the courage, the strength and the vulnerability that they had to muster up to share with you.